My Desire

okay, so I know it has been a long time since I have blogged. Not to say I haven't had any feelings lately, just none as strong as this. You know how when you are a kid and you have all of your friends that you hang out with all the time, and also when you are young that you don't feel as if you don't have to worry about ANYTHING. You just feel as if there are no finances or schedules or worries in your life. I'm 18 and living on my own. The past few months have been hard, from leaving one to another and couch hopping. this past co;uple of months have been easier since I have had a stable place to live but the other worry now is my finances now. I have a job that I can pay for them and all, but it still ponders my mind. But very recently, I was able to forget about those worries. I know reason of this too. when I am with a person that I care about, all worries disapate. They are no longer in my mind and I can feel free. I know I have these priorities that I must fulfill, but I don't feel as if they are the only thing to think about any more.

my desire in life is to have someone in my life who I can always trust on making this feeling a reality. I truely think I have found this person. I yern for my desire for me to be with this person to become a reality.

High

Feeling high inside my own body
head spinning
body numb
senses gone
feels so good
lights passing by
moving fast but feels so slow
heavens above me are singing
speaking
crying
screaming my last emotions
urge for more
can't get enough
I see the city
dark as night but bright as vegas
a haulting stop
goes so fast
I experiance every second of it
head going into whiplash
dashboard break
car flips
it's an end to everything
love
hate
happiness
sadness
all emotions gone
lying there on the ground feeling helpless
high sounds are on their way
more lights, these are flashing
what is happening?
wake up the next morning with white sheets over top of me
bandages on my face
splitting headache
body feels like a million bugs are biting
four weeks later
all healed up
just to do it all over again.

Road to Success?

In my life I have had to go through so many challanges. None that I believe that were to big for me to take, and I have taken them all; I have had to overcome the gigantic hill of coming out as a homosexual being, jump throught the loops of the everyday high school stresses, and deal with what I consider to be ungreatful parents, all while trying to stay sain.

Yesterday I had gotten fed up with the constant nagging of my mother. It wasn't just the nagging that I was tired of, it was the negativity directed towards me and the badgering of my friends. I don't really care to deal with people of this sort or even put up with them. In my mind these types of people are unstatisfied with there lives so they end up going around to other people, like myself, to point out unnessesary problems that the person may have in their life. This is very wrong to do.

I understand that a mother should be worried about her child, but when the child isn't doing wrong and is asking and begging and telling the mother to stop, the mother should stop, no questions asked. All the mother is doing by going forward with the nagging and bitching is putting more stress on the child, possibly causing the child to leave the household.

When a child is so unhappy with the living quarters that they are given that they have to leave, that shows you that there is something deeply wrong with where they are living. Whether it be stress, drugs, or violence.

In my mind a mother should love there child unconditionally and not try to tell there child that they aren't giving enough back to the parent. That is selfish and unbearable.

I have written this all on a personal experience. Yesterday as I was fighting with my mother about the constant nagging that she brings to my life, I had decided to leave the house. No car, 30 dollars in my pocket, and almost no where to go. I hear so many success stories about how a guy moved to a new town with ten dollars in his pocket and became a massive billionaire. I figure that if I play cards right in this life, I will be as success full if not more than those guys. I believe that although I am homeless at the moment, that I am on the road to success.

Beautiful

About a month ago I had my former dance coach ask if I would design the next seasons State costume. I took this offer as fast as I could and here are the designs for next years competition.

Memories

I have in my room a bowl. I call it my memory bowl. I have to admit I started this bowl only about a year ago, but I have to say it is really filling up fast. In my memory bowl are things that make me happy when I think of them. For example, one of the things in my bowl is an entry ticket for a haunted house that I had gone to with two of my best friends and one of their boyfriends. It was a fun time for me, and also the first haunted house that I had ever been in.

My memory bowl has nothing negative in it. Only the things that when I look at them make me smile or laugh. I figure that it picks me up as a teddy bear would make a small child smile. I figure that if I can have that in my life, then I have no reason to worry about every being down. If I can have a bowl with either shells or notes that a person has written to me, I should be happy 90% of my life. The other 10% I would be extatic.

I have wondered, "what will happen when this bowl starts to overflow?" Thinking about that, I started thinking about solutions to this wonder; throw away some of these memories, put some of the memories in a drawer and keep the rest out. The conclusion that I have come to is... get a bigger bowl. None of these memories are worth being thrown away or put on the backburner. All of these memories are precious and very close to my heart. I could never think about throwing these away.

Some of the memories in this bowl are all ingredients to one big memory. For instance, Out Door School this last October was a huge mile stone for me. If I had forgotten Out Door School, I would have forgotten some things that I had learned about myself. You may be wondering "what things do you have in that bowl that could remind you of Out Door School?" All of the notes I had recieved from my co-counselors. This is what one of my favorites says,

"I ment it when I said you were 1 of the coolest ppl I know. <3>

This note had made me do something that normally don't do, cry. I was so happy to hear someone say that. I have had people tell me that I am good at one thing or the other, but to hear that I was one of the coolest people to someone, meant the world to me.

Reading these things or even looking at them makes me smile. If I can have these in my life forever, then there should no reason for me to be down longer than two seconds.

xoxo

EdwardBrandon

Fashionista of a Sort

I am so into fashion, as you may be able to tell through a couple of my earlier posts. As much into fashion as, I am always open to trying new things on, no matter what gender the garment was designed for. Every now and then I just have this urge to put on the opposite sex's clothes. I haven't fully made up myself as woman yet, but I have put on some pretty amazing things. The picture at the top of this blog is just one of the many things that I have tried on.

I like to out with friends all of the time, as I feel they like to go out with me. Every now and then I get these vibes that things aren't really going well; there are constant periods of silence, or people start to argue and get tense, so one of the things that I resort to is trying to make everyone start to laugh. Like, if I am on a shopping date with my girls, I will try on dresses, or heels or things of that sort, and do my little strut that I have shortly turned into my staple. Usually that will start to loosen people up or get them to giggle. That brings a joy into my life.

Shopping is one of my favorite things to do. One little piece of advise for the others out there like me, don't ever go into a store looking for something specific. Always go into a store being optimistic to the things you may run into, try them on, and see if you like them or not. If you go into a store looking for something specific, you will never find it. That is always something that made me sad. Going into a store "knowing" that the one thing that I wanted was going to be there, and then finding out that it was sold to the person that was right in front of me in line. So horrible.

xoxo

EdwardBrandon