My Desire

okay, so I know it has been a long time since I have blogged. Not to say I haven't had any feelings lately, just none as strong as this. You know how when you are a kid and you have all of your friends that you hang out with all the time, and also when you are young that you don't feel as if you don't have to worry about ANYTHING. You just feel as if there are no finances or schedules or worries in your life. I'm 18 and living on my own. The past few months have been hard, from leaving one to another and couch hopping. this past co;uple of months have been easier since I have had a stable place to live but the other worry now is my finances now. I have a job that I can pay for them and all, but it still ponders my mind. But very recently, I was able to forget about those worries. I know reason of this too. when I am with a person that I care about, all worries disapate. They are no longer in my mind and I can feel free. I know I have these priorities that I must fulfill, but I don't feel as if they are the only thing to think about any more.

my desire in life is to have someone in my life who I can always trust on making this feeling a reality. I truely think I have found this person. I yern for my desire for me to be with this person to become a reality.

High

Feeling high inside my own body
head spinning
body numb
senses gone
feels so good
lights passing by
moving fast but feels so slow
heavens above me are singing
speaking
crying
screaming my last emotions
urge for more
can't get enough
I see the city
dark as night but bright as vegas
a haulting stop
goes so fast
I experiance every second of it
head going into whiplash
dashboard break
car flips
it's an end to everything
love
hate
happiness
sadness
all emotions gone
lying there on the ground feeling helpless
high sounds are on their way
more lights, these are flashing
what is happening?
wake up the next morning with white sheets over top of me
bandages on my face
splitting headache
body feels like a million bugs are biting
four weeks later
all healed up
just to do it all over again.

Road to Success?

In my life I have had to go through so many challanges. None that I believe that were to big for me to take, and I have taken them all; I have had to overcome the gigantic hill of coming out as a homosexual being, jump throught the loops of the everyday high school stresses, and deal with what I consider to be ungreatful parents, all while trying to stay sain.

Yesterday I had gotten fed up with the constant nagging of my mother. It wasn't just the nagging that I was tired of, it was the negativity directed towards me and the badgering of my friends. I don't really care to deal with people of this sort or even put up with them. In my mind these types of people are unstatisfied with there lives so they end up going around to other people, like myself, to point out unnessesary problems that the person may have in their life. This is very wrong to do.

I understand that a mother should be worried about her child, but when the child isn't doing wrong and is asking and begging and telling the mother to stop, the mother should stop, no questions asked. All the mother is doing by going forward with the nagging and bitching is putting more stress on the child, possibly causing the child to leave the household.

When a child is so unhappy with the living quarters that they are given that they have to leave, that shows you that there is something deeply wrong with where they are living. Whether it be stress, drugs, or violence.

In my mind a mother should love there child unconditionally and not try to tell there child that they aren't giving enough back to the parent. That is selfish and unbearable.

I have written this all on a personal experience. Yesterday as I was fighting with my mother about the constant nagging that she brings to my life, I had decided to leave the house. No car, 30 dollars in my pocket, and almost no where to go. I hear so many success stories about how a guy moved to a new town with ten dollars in his pocket and became a massive billionaire. I figure that if I play cards right in this life, I will be as success full if not more than those guys. I believe that although I am homeless at the moment, that I am on the road to success.

Beautiful

About a month ago I had my former dance coach ask if I would design the next seasons State costume. I took this offer as fast as I could and here are the designs for next years competition.

Memories

I have in my room a bowl. I call it my memory bowl. I have to admit I started this bowl only about a year ago, but I have to say it is really filling up fast. In my memory bowl are things that make me happy when I think of them. For example, one of the things in my bowl is an entry ticket for a haunted house that I had gone to with two of my best friends and one of their boyfriends. It was a fun time for me, and also the first haunted house that I had ever been in.

My memory bowl has nothing negative in it. Only the things that when I look at them make me smile or laugh. I figure that it picks me up as a teddy bear would make a small child smile. I figure that if I can have that in my life, then I have no reason to worry about every being down. If I can have a bowl with either shells or notes that a person has written to me, I should be happy 90% of my life. The other 10% I would be extatic.

I have wondered, "what will happen when this bowl starts to overflow?" Thinking about that, I started thinking about solutions to this wonder; throw away some of these memories, put some of the memories in a drawer and keep the rest out. The conclusion that I have come to is... get a bigger bowl. None of these memories are worth being thrown away or put on the backburner. All of these memories are precious and very close to my heart. I could never think about throwing these away.

Some of the memories in this bowl are all ingredients to one big memory. For instance, Out Door School this last October was a huge mile stone for me. If I had forgotten Out Door School, I would have forgotten some things that I had learned about myself. You may be wondering "what things do you have in that bowl that could remind you of Out Door School?" All of the notes I had recieved from my co-counselors. This is what one of my favorites says,

"I ment it when I said you were 1 of the coolest ppl I know. <3>

This note had made me do something that normally don't do, cry. I was so happy to hear someone say that. I have had people tell me that I am good at one thing or the other, but to hear that I was one of the coolest people to someone, meant the world to me.

Reading these things or even looking at them makes me smile. If I can have these in my life forever, then there should no reason for me to be down longer than two seconds.

xoxo

EdwardBrandon

Fashionista of a Sort

I am so into fashion, as you may be able to tell through a couple of my earlier posts. As much into fashion as, I am always open to trying new things on, no matter what gender the garment was designed for. Every now and then I just have this urge to put on the opposite sex's clothes. I haven't fully made up myself as woman yet, but I have put on some pretty amazing things. The picture at the top of this blog is just one of the many things that I have tried on.

I like to out with friends all of the time, as I feel they like to go out with me. Every now and then I get these vibes that things aren't really going well; there are constant periods of silence, or people start to argue and get tense, so one of the things that I resort to is trying to make everyone start to laugh. Like, if I am on a shopping date with my girls, I will try on dresses, or heels or things of that sort, and do my little strut that I have shortly turned into my staple. Usually that will start to loosen people up or get them to giggle. That brings a joy into my life.

Shopping is one of my favorite things to do. One little piece of advise for the others out there like me, don't ever go into a store looking for something specific. Always go into a store being optimistic to the things you may run into, try them on, and see if you like them or not. If you go into a store looking for something specific, you will never find it. That is always something that made me sad. Going into a store "knowing" that the one thing that I wanted was going to be there, and then finding out that it was sold to the person that was right in front of me in line. So horrible.

xoxo

EdwardBrandon

Busy little Bees

One of my dreams is to get my name out there to where people want to know who I am, to want to see the things that I do. One of the things that I would love for my futur is to have a HUGE piece of property. Not to show people that I am rich, but to just use it for going on some random walk in a medow or in a forest of trees. I have always loved the wilderness. I love see what different things it can create and show off.

Right now I live in this small town called Mill City. There are so many field every where. In one of these fields there is a type of wild flower that covers one of the fields. There are so many of these flowers in the field that the entire field turns to a light purple. It is so beautiful to see when it happens.

So as I was walking by this field the other day, I notice a low humming sound. I stop for a minute to realize that there is a small area near where I was standing, with those boxes that they use to keep honey bee's in. Instead of panicing and running away like a frantic idiot, I decided to get a little closer. Not too close, but close enough to where I could see the individual bees go in and out of the boxes. The humming of the bees was so relaxing to me that I stood there watching them for a good five minutes (for people who know me, they know five minutes standing and not talking is a long time).

I was so amazed with such a simple thing, that I have decided to try to make a line based off of the colors and textures from the flowers in the field and the sound and movements of the bees. How I have been inspired like this, I couldn't answer that for you, but I can tell you that I will be posting my progress of the ideas that I am generating. I am going to call the line "Busy Little Bees". So be watching for titles on my blogs of that sort.

xoxo

EdwardBrandon

Peachy Painter

I have recently made a painting and had entered it into a competition that I had won first place and grande prize in. This painting is a gift that just keeps on giving it seems. I have also applied for a small scholarship of $250. Because of this painting I am recieving that scholarship. I love this. I have been working on my artistic skills ever since I was a youngn'. For the most part of this year, those skills have payed off.

In the past I have done many other things than just painting; I have drawn cartoons, made a sadistic poster (you wouldn't laugh, I was a freshman when I did that. a weird time for me. lol), I have made posters for the school, done a little photography, was on dance and cheer. Anything that I could have done that has to do with art I have done it. This summer I am debating on taking a small class that will better my skills in illustration. That is my desire for right now. I have been wanting to make my drawings a little more detailed, so that the people who look at them can understand them more.

My drawings lately have been either of fashion or of a collage of different things. One that I have made, and am very proud of, had everthing that I could think of as being something happy. The theme was "happy is..."

My fashion drawings have something different about them. I like to have a sense of badass but also with elegance in my lines that I design. I believe that everyone in this world, in some way, has a bit of bi-polar disorder. When I say that I mean that they have one side that they show, and then a whole complete opposite side. All in all, one side is very different from the other. I love that. I love that people have different opposites about them. Also I have some of my inspirations from plants; like banana trees, or the color of a flower or leaf, or the shape of a plant. All of these things I love.

My art, in all, is very important to me. Whether it is music or metal art, fashion or dance, I love it all. Noone can take my art from me.

Out of Control!!!

One of the things about me that alot of people notice is that I am a spontaneous being. You never know what I am going to do next.
About a week ago, my friend Ayla and I decided to go to Toys-R-us just for fun. I really wanted a good color set though, so we looked around for that for a little bit. Another friend of mine, Sam, heard that we were going to Toys-R-us for fun. So she asked me to get her this super ball; it's a ball that can bounce really high, believe me when I say, REALLY high. Ayla and I looked around for that too, but I am pretty sure the employee's in the store were regretting the fact that they had shown us where they were.
In the aisle that the ball was in was a huge aisle of a whole bunch of different kinds of bouncy balls. Ayla and I became six again. We took those balls and just bounced them every where we could. We grew tired of this and moved on to trying to find my color set again. It took us like ten minutes in that store just to find that amazing color set(it has like 200 peices in it, soooo cool.) After taking forever to find this color set, we were quite ancy. We wanted something fun to do. So we went around and found differnt things to, like take pictures of one another doing obnoxious things.
Then we went back to the bouncy balls. We both hit the lights like three different times (I kinda ran the first time it happened) and were bouncing the balls over the shelves and aisles. At this point we were out of control, but it was one of the best times I have had in forever.
As we were leaving the store I had boughten two more bags (those environmentally safe ones) and so much candy. So when we were heading back home, and I was driving, we were so hyper; screaming at the top of our lungs while trying to sing songs off of the radio, throwing things out of my car at eachother. Oh man, that day was out of control.


xoxo
Edward Brandon

Analogy #1

In life we have things thrown at us that may hurt or may not even phase us, but they all have a meaning to them. Will you learn from these things thrown at us and use it to your advantage, or will you let yourself keep getting hurt?


xoxo
Edward Brandon

What's With the Suspision?

Ok, I have a small problem that I HAVE to write out. I notice that out in the world there is so much negativity. For some people, they hold on to that negativity and let it get them down. For me, I like to counteract that negativity with as much positivity as possible. I see that as a good aspect of my nature. I don't know why it wouldn't be. But there is one thing. I have randomly had people in the public or even some of my aquaintances of my daily life, come up to me and ask "are you okay?" Now I don't know if this is because I have this spontanious attitude all of the time, that whenever some thing pops into my head, I will find the best time to act that out (if, of coarse, it is appropriate).
I had someone, a while back, tell me they asked me this because they thought that I was covering up some emotions. In my head at the time, I was thinking "why can't a person simply just be happy without question."
So I thought about what they had said a little bit longer just to analyze it, and I came up with this. If I was in a bad situation that I did not want a sole to know about, yes, I would cover up my emotions with happiness. But I wasn't going through any ordeals at the time, and neither am I now. Yes, a few bumps here and there, some bigger than others, but nothing I haven't been able to overcome in a small amount of time.
But I still have that question lingering in my head "why can't a person be simply happy?"



xoxo
Edward Brandon

Tough as Balls

So one thing that alot of people that approach me in life or become either a friend or an aquaintance with me, realize as they get to know me that I am a crazy, spontaneous, happy, outgoing person ready to meet anyone who walks my way. One thing that a person had asked me a while ago was, "do you ever cry?" Now at first I thought, of coarse I do, but then I noticed that it had been so long since a tear has crossed my face. I thought at first that this was a good thing, then realizing what some of the... "tragities" to put it in that sense, I have gone through, started to notice how sad this is. I thought how can I go through so much of lifes ordeals that only a few select people have to go through all there life, and not have one emotion for it. I must be tough as balls. Crazy right?
Through the past couple of weeks I have been loaded with stressful things such as graduation, friendship ending, drama that do my best not to be in, and so much more. Normally I can run through all of this like a field of daisies, but this time, with EVERYTHING that had gone on, I caved. While walking up to the office to be able to go speak to the school counselor, I just broke out. Now one of my biggest fears is letting other people see my emotions, whether it is anger or sadness. So I ran out the door and into the football field to walk a couple of laps around the track. Doing this calmed me down and helped me release so much of the stress and negativity that had been running through my life in the past couple of weeks. Now I am fine. Still a little bit stress. Who would be in my position. I have graduation in almost less than a week, and I have so much to do. Oh well. Just like everything else, I will stay positive and get through it.



xoxo
Edward Brandon

Abnormal

One thing I have been feeling lately, is that wherever I go, there is at least one major thing that separates me from the bunch. For the place I live, it's me being gay, rather than straight. Almost every person in this small town is straight and I have yet to meet any other gays in this little mud puddle of the Earth.
For the city where I do have other homosexual friends, it's my morals that separate me from the bunch. It seems like everyone out there is just ready and willing to "fuck" any person that walks by. Now this isn't for all of the other gay people I have met, but it is, however, for the majority.
My morals are far different from these people. Growing up in a small town around religious and traditional people helped me to gain these morals. My view on life is that you should always save the sex for when it really matters, not just to have your orgasm for the day. Not my style.
I feel like when you do give yourself up too soon then the person that you are crushing looses that respect for you. Therefore you lose that person emotionally. They begin to stop really paying attention to your needs, and seem to wander around a little bit. They stop wanting to get to know you, and, in a way, start ignoring you.
All in all, in my opinion, it is better to wait to do the nasty. You gain more respect for what you deserve.



xoxo
Edward Brandon

Listen to This.

So there is this song that I will always call my "favorite". I just can't get enough of listening to it. The song is called "Daylight" by Matt and Kim. The song is so happy and, I guess careless in a sense. Not to sound conceited, but it reminds me of myself on some terms. The whole attitude of the song and the energy that comes from it. And every time that I get down or start to have a smug attitude, I listen to this song, because it always reminds me of the way I WANT to live, and how I want to be.

Part of the lyrics is, " and in the daylight I don't pick up my phone because anywhere feels like home". I just love that. I could go on and on about this song, but I won't. And I will suggest to anyone who runs into me in life, to not ask me about this song, because, believe me, you won't really even have a chance to speak.


xoxo
Edward Brandon

Flower Man.

I remember when I was just a young toddler. I was always outside doing something. Like playing in mud, swinging on the swingset, or beating at the bryer bushes across the field to make a fort or a little hut. But one of the things that I remember the most, is the flowers. I was always interested in a new flower or wanting to pick them to make a bouquet. I loved the colors and leaves and so many different aspects of them. I always fell in love with a flower no matter what it looked like.

So one of my most vivid memories of flowers is...

One day I was wandering around the back yard, looking for any flower that would bloom. I saw the little daisies in the grass, you know, the ones that are barely and inch tall, but I didn't know what I could possibly do with them. So I proceeded to look for flowers. I found some flowers that look a little like wood hyacinths but I couldn't get to them because they were in an ants nest. So I kept looking. I ended up wandering to the front yard. What I see is my sister, doing something with those little daisies in the grass. So I walk up to her and I show her the flowers that I had found. She said, "you look like you are going to be a flower man one of these days".

I say "nuh uh. flowers are for girls"

She said "well guys can play with flowers too"

I say "what are you doing with those daisies"

She said "making a necklace"

"how?" I asked.

"you'll find out" she answered.

She finished working on the necklace and gave it to me. "since you're going to be a flower man someday" she said.

I am now 18 years old and tomarrow I have a competition for floraculture. Making arrangements, identifying flowers and so on. Oh, how right my sister was.

We Don't Dream.

So now it’s your first date

You don’t know what to say

You meet at a restaurant

It’s very fancy

It’s nothing like you’ve been to before

He’s being romantic

Holding your hand from across from the table

Looking you in the eye

Giving you all of your favorite complements

At this moment nothing can go wrong

Everything is perfect.

The date comes to a close

You are feeling good

He asks you on another date

You are so overjoyed that you say yes

You think of nothing else

You go home and the rest is to be told

Day go by, weeks then months

This guy is amazing

You don’t see any wrong in him.

It has been a year since your first date

You are sitting on the couch with him

He looks over

Smiles for a second

And asks “would you like to move in with me”

You think for a second,

Then you say yes

It’s a few days later

You are all moved in

It’s your first night there.

You brush your teeth

Self concisely lay the brush on the counter

You are all ready for bed

He calls your name from the bathroom

You go to meet him

You walk in

And he slams you against the wall

You’ve never seen him this angry

He looks insane

You feel in danger

You are more scared than ever before

He is screaming at the top of his lungs

You don’t know what you did.

Once you get to the bottom of his anger you find it was the brush.

You stay up all of the night hoping that he doesn’t wake and flip again

The night has ended

The morning has come

You go out for coffee

Trying to stay away from the house for the day

You go back by 5

The same thing happens

Once the tragedy is over you both sit on the couch

He says he’s sorry

You decide to believe him and blame it on yourself

Blame what he did on yourself

A year goes past

He still beats you

Slaps you, hits you, punches you, throws you against the wall.

You always scream for help

But no one comes to help

You still blame what he does on yourself

One day you go out with your friends

Forgetting to put on your cover up

You meet up with your first girlfriend

Her eyes get big

You wonder why

She tells you to get away from this guy

But you resist

You make excuses

You find reasons to justify what he does

They keep pushing

Trying to get you away from them

You snap

Harder than you ever have before

You resent what they say

You are in love with this guy

You go back home

And today seems different

Something feels worse than before

He comes behind you

Puts his arm around your neck

His arm tightens

You know this is it

This is the last time he is going to do this to you

Not because you are going to leave him

But because you will die

You start to regret what you said to your friends

Once again you are blaming it on yourself

Everything goes black

You don’t see a thing

You don’t feel a thing

You hear people screaming but you cant move

Everything goes silent

You are in the dark

A light comes on

You see your friend

She looks lost

She’s looking for you, calling your name

You call her name

She can’t hear you

You go up to her

But you can’t touch her

This is when you realize it’s all over

No more fighting

No more crying

No more living

But now, you blame what happened on no one.

And then all of a sudden

You wake and realize it was just a dream.





Edward Brandon
xoxo

Not Why Me, but Why Them?

In this life I have found that most people always think of themselves first. Never do they help a friend without saying "well whats in it for me?" I find this to be very frustrating. It makes me wonder of the definition of the word "humane". People always use this word to tell another person that they are doing something morally wrong. But what about these hedonistic people in this lifetime that HAVE to get something for doing something as little as driving a friend to work. Why can't people just be happy that they just made another persons life just a little bit easier. This makes sense, doesn't it?
Yesterday I had an acquaintance ask me, on a scale from one to ten, what their attractiveness was. I told her she, in my eyes, was a seven. Now you see, I never base how attractive a person is just by their looks. I look at their attitude towards life, how selfish they may be ect. And so the reason for giving this girl a seven was the sole fact that she is always down about herself. I have never seen a time when this girl being completely happy and mostly content with her present life. I always hear her saying "fuck my life" or "fuck the world". In my opinion people, don't ALWAYS have to be happy to be attractive, but they should try to be content with their life and not blame the horrible events that happen in their life on other people.
One of the things I like to say to myself is "in with the good, and out with the bad". I use this to forget about the horrible things that have happened in my life, and remember the good. So this is what I had to explain to the girl. It didn't take long for her to understand it. That I am happy for.
The main reason for the title of this blog is because of a conversation I had with a very amazing friend of mine. We talked about how people can never step down from their own pedestal and how when anything goes wrong in their life, they have to blame it on another person without really looking at the problem. Eventually through the conversation, we got to the issue of how people never stop thinking about how horrible their life is, rather than using and memorizing these obstacles to help another person out when they need it.
I know that I have been guilty of what I am accusing other people for in this blog, but for now I don't think that I am doing this. I try to catch myself every time I do so that I don't sound like a hypocrite when I do. But I do hope that one day, most people will start to look at another persons life and see what obstacles they are going through before they petty their own life.




xoxo
Edward Brandon

It's Snowing in Late March?

So one thing that I have come to notice is that how annoyed I get when it snows. I remember when I was just a little toddler, and I always loved the snow. I even used to stand by the front door on the first day of winter watching the sky, waiting for the first snow flurry to fall. And if I never got to see that first flurry I would get so frustrated. Now, as I am older, I find myself praying that the snow doesn't come at all in the winter. I caught myself saying this to myself again this morning when I woke up around 6:30 this morning. You see one of my sayings is "live as though there is a surprise around every corner." So why do I hate snow so much now. I mean, I used to love it when I was a small child, but why not now.
So after I got to school this morning, I realized that people were saying the same thing as I was. Where did all of the fun go in our lives? Why are we all so caught up in the fact that it's snowing outside? What is so bad about the fact that there was finally snow on the ground for once in this entire winter?
Now during this early chapter in my day, I made a resolution. Instead of saying to myself, "why the hell is snowing out side, I hate the snow, ugh!!!!" I would now say "wow, this is the first time I have seen it snow this winter!!! What a surprise".
So, now my thoughts will fit better with that saying I have. I totally love this. :)



xoxo
Edward Brandon

Into It

So, my name is Brandon. As you may know. One of the things in my life that I have HAD to get through, is living in a small town or district. Some of you may wonder why this is so hard for me. Well in the town that I live in there are not very many accepting, optimistic people. And for the way I am and who I am, makes that hard.
One of the things that I have come up with to cope with living in this small town is to go to a big town. The town that I go to is the biggest city in the state I live in. I started out going to this town during the day, and the more I came to this city the more people I got to know. And I have found that most of these people that I have met are even more friendly than 80% of my friends and acquaintances that I hang out with. I am so into this.
Just recently I have started going to this city at night. The first time I did, I was just massively curious and wanted to know what it was like. So what I did is, I went to an all ages gay club. (The Escape). And after that I started to meet so many cool people. And now I have changed the meaning to the phrase "best friend". I used to think that your best friend was the person that you hung out with the most, but now to me its more like the person that is there for you WHENEVER you need them. I am so into this.
So after going to this city and "coping" with living in this small town, I have found so many new friends and have kept some old. I am so into this.




xoxo
Edward Brandon